Six Pack Stories part 1
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
Out of 120 people in my senior class of high school, I’d gone to school with 100 of them from first grade to 12th grade. When you’re around a group of people for that long of a time, you start to notice certain things about human nature within this group. What I noticed was there are people out there that act a certain way because they believe that that is how the group expects them to behave. I never have nor will ever be one of those people.
They are wastes of flesh who can’t think for themselves. Just worthless followers, whose major concern is what other people think of them. They are shitheads and there are shitloads of these shitheads out there.
so beware, but don’t be closed minded about giving new people a chance. Not everyone is a waste of flesh. Sometimes someone looks like they’re going to be a waste of flesh but then they end up being awesome. I find that personal appearances are one of the most deceptive things when it comes to developing premeditated opinions of people. I thought some of my best friends were total deutsch bags the first time I met them simply based on what they were wearing and overall appearance. Then, I got to know them and love them. Anyways, I was ready for a change of scenery my senior year.
I was the youngest of five. My two brothers and two sisters went to college and failed out. So, I figured I’d save myself the failing out part and just join the marines straight out of high school.
My parents thought the marines was a terrible idea. They pressured me until I finally cracked in January, and met with the college counselor. She said, “You waited too long and missed the application deadline to every college in the nation except for one, Hampden-Sydney College in Hampden-Sydney Va.” I applied because it was my only option.
My dad took me on a college visit there. The college is in Prince Edward county, which is the county next to Appomattox County where Lee surrendered to Grant. It's a few miles outside of Farmville. Farmville, like Prince Edward County, is poor. Hampden-Sydney was not, and it existed in a bubble within itself.
Sandy was a current student from Mobile, who worked for the admissions department and gave my Dad and me a tour of the campus. He laid it on us thick.
The college is all guys, as in only dudes. The all male environment offers a very unique education that extends far beyond the classroom. It’s a place where men are men and women are guests. A place where you have to have balls to attend.
Don’t worry you worry though. There are 6 all girls schools within a two hour drive. The girls come to Hampden-Sydney to party, and then they have to find a place to stay, which is a great way to meet the ladies.
Founded in 1776, it’s the 10th oldest college in the US. It looked just like I imagined it would look like- nestled out in the absolute middle of nowhere surrounded by rolling hills and massive wide open fields. The buildings on campus are of historic Georgian-style architecture - think American colonial style houses and buildings - red brick with white columns, everything rectangular and symmetrical. Tree lined walkways crisscrossed from building to building all across campus, each providing their own scenic views, and all seem to lead to the bell tower at the campus.
Patrick Henry, the give me liberty or give me death dude, was one of the founders of the school. The bell tower on campus was made from bricks from Patrick Henry’s house. The history, the culture, and the campus provided an atmosphere that encourages learning and personal growth. The school emphasized character development, instilling values like integrity, honor, and leadership, which all sounded great.
I was waitlisted and then accepted. What the hell? why not? I decided to give it a go. All I knew about the school was what I learned on during the tour, which was very little other than the propaganda that the admissions department sent out. I didn’t know anybody who went to school there, and that was what mattered.
Part 2
The summer before college, I was dating a girl named Mary. She was the love of my life; we were going to last and be together forever. Just saying that now makes me cringe. I was so naive. Everyone in my family told me to break up with her before I left for college. I didn’t listen.
At the end of the summer, we said our goodbyes but stayed together. She went to college at St. Edwards in Austin, and I went to Hampden-Sydney.
Anyways, my parents drove me to VA and dropped me off. Of course, they helped me set up my room first. My dorm was in Cushing Hall room 424. My first day there, I met John-Michael Fleming from Atlanta, Georgia. He was a loudmouth, like myself, with long straight bleach blond hair that he parted down the middle.
John-Miachael prided himself on his hair, and was constantly playing with it. He would rub his balls, then smell his fingers. He’d say it was an aphrodisiac. It was fucking weird, but I loved him right away. At the same time, he was super passive aggressive and would do this thing where he would tilt his head to one side to say really without saying anything. He did it the first day I met him and it pissed me. He’s done it thousands of times since then and it still pisses me off everytime he does it. He lived in the fourth passage on the first floor in room 401.
Our first Friday night at college, a bunch of guys from fourth passage went to Sweet Briar College for a mixer party. Sweet Briar was an all women's college in Amherst, VA. Where in the fuck is that? Anyways, John-Michael and I became best friends that night when we shotgunned beers in the mens bathroom on the first floor of some random dorm there.
Our freshman orientation started the next morning. We were given another tour of the campus. This time it was led by General Sam Wilson, the president of the college at the time and a badass motherfucker. He was one of Merrill’s marauders during WWII. He was stationed in the American embassy in Moscow during the cold war where he was a spymaster. He coined the term counterinsurgency. Fucking amazing.
As we started the tour, I was shocked to see someone I knew. Walt Bonner was from Henderson, TX, a podunct town in the middle of fucking nowhere. I went to summer camp with him at Camp LaJunta. Fucking crazy.
When we were outfront of Cushing, General Wilson said this (paraphrasing):
“Cushing Hall was built in 1824. The building was super old, and had a lot of historical baggage, specifically with a former resident of John-Michael’s room and a former resident of my room.
It was January of 1857, Hampden-Sydney was covered in three feet of snow from a three day blizzard. The students were confined to their dorm rooms in Cushing Hall for the duration. Cabin fever and boredom were at an all time high. So, someone acquired a keg of whiskey, which helped to alleviate the cabin fever and boredom, but also led to a fight between best friends and resulted in a murder.
Charles Edie and Ned Langhorne were students at Hampden-Sydney, lived in the fourth passage of Cushing Hall, and were best friends, by all accounts. In fact, Edie lived in room 424, and Langhorne lived in room 401. The same rooms that John-Michael and I lived in.
So, the legend goes that Edie was living it up, partaking in the boozing and partying, which pissed Langhorne off. Langhorne had taken a vow of temperance a few weeks prior and was not drinking. Edie had not taken the vow, so he didn’t see what Langhorne’s problem was with him getting shitfaced. The bickering continued non stop throughout the night and into the next day.
It was rumored that the argument between the two was over a girl that both liked rather than Edie drinking. However, the drinking was the inciting incident that set off a series of arguments that led to Edie and Langhorne confronting one another on the porch of the fourth passage. Words turned to punches, but the fight was broken up. Edie pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, taunting Langhorne, telling him, “Look at what she gave me.”
It was the final straw. Langhorne pulled a letter opener out of his pocket, and stabbed Edie in the heart with it. Some students carried Edie up to his room, room 424, where he died shortly thereafter.
Langhorne was charged with murder. He came from a wealthy family, who paid for him to have a team of 5 lawyers for his defense. They did what they were paid to do, and got Langhorne off. They said Langhorne murdered Edie in self defense, and was only defending his honor. The jury believed him, acquitting him on all charges.”
The story in and of itself was pretty crazy, especially because Edie lived and died in my room and was killed by Langhorne who lived in John-Michael’s room. Was my room haunted? I could only find out.
Reading between the lines, the story told me a lot about what lay ahead of me on this new adventure.
Women will always be on short supply on the campus of an all-male college from Sunday afternoon through Wednesday. Thursday through Saturday there are almost enough women go around
There will be territorial disputes over women that have the potential to get violent.
When the weather is shitty at Hampden-Sydney, life sucks, and the weather is shitty all the time.
When there’s nothing to do, it’s time to get fucked up.
Bickering incessantly with friends is a good way to pass the time.
A typical Hampden-Sydney student suffers from a superiority complex, and values overindulgence above all else.
